I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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