I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
