yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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