it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
FUCK WHALES
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