just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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