Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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