If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
