I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I need a hoe opinion
go on
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
