Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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