Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
