so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
