Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
