Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
