you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Randomize
