Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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