pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
