you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
