Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
