i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
