just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
