How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
