yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Sacagawea was the original milf.
birth control should be required to get into college
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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