i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
