life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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