Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
