Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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