Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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