Who wears a wallet chain?!
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
