After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
