You just made me feel so damn special
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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