i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
