Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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