The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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