I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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