if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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