I will die if light touches me.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
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