Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
