the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
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