I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize