Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
