just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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