So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
