there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
