i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
