ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
