I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
