my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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