I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
