When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Congratulations! We have a period
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