People with herpes should wear stickers.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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