you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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