when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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