Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Text me some of your sweat
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