I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
