Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
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