My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
