Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
