Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
my being single is dangerous.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
