If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
