we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
