I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
