Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize